Narratives. Years ago I used to write an article like this every week to accompany the power rankings. How the fuck did I do that? This shit takes forever. No wonder I stopped. Now I understand why my wife left me and took the kids.
Anyway, let’s take a quick look at what’s going on around Nilbog to start the 2025 season.
The Johnny
TarmoTim
After an excellent 2023 campaign which saw the team become the first two time Goblin Bowl Champion, TarmoTim struggled in 2024. Barely clinching a playoff berth in the regular season, the team was bounced in the first round of the playoffs by eventual runner-up LBTown.
One reason for the team’s difficulties was the unavailability of star running back Christian McCaffrey. Despite being Nilbog’s most decorated player, McCaffrey has missed 32 games due to injury since Tim acquired him via trade in 2020. When he last played a full season in 2023 he was voted Player of the Year. But he missed most of 2024 with Achilles tendonitis. He comes into 2025 nursing a calf injury – a common setback when rehabbing an Achilles (like hamstrings and ACLs). If he can play consistently he should be a bulwark for the team. Otherwise, TarmoTim will be paddling upstream for another year.
Additionally, the team has to be concerned over the long term viability of Breece Hall and Kenneth Walker. There’s been talk about Hall losing touches to Braelon Allen (although that has yet to happen) and so far Zack Charbonnet has gotten more opportunities than Walker in Seattle. This is a team that has traditionally had a strong running back corps of at least three bell cows. If one of them begins to take on a split backfield role it’ll be difficult to compensate.
Lastly there’s the new TE prospect Tyler Warren. After a coin toss between taking Warren and Loveland in the draft, the GM selected what appears the better prospect. Following years of weakness at the tight end position, Tyler Warren has the potential to become the next rookie TE sensation like LaPorta or Bowers.
HaffCaff
No team has underperformed in the past few years to the same degree as HaffCaff. A perennial wild card contender on paper, the team hasn’t had a winning record since 2021. 2025 isn’t off to a better start either with the team once again marred by injuries but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. They’re not on the playoff radar right now but there’s a chance to significantly improve if Christian Watson and Brandon Aiyuk return from PUP in a couple weeks. Additionally, the team could get a big boost if rookie RB RJ Harvey can take the starting job in Denver. Otherwise, the team is essentially empty at running back.
One of 2024’s biggest takeaways for this team was the regression of Sam LaPorta who finished with 60 points less than his incredible rookie season. If LaPorta plays like last year he just remains a very good option at TE. But if he can return to rookie form the team is capable of winning games on the back of his dominance.
JamesMyers
Since taking over an abysmal, hopeless team from the shadow realm team in 2023, James has gone 5 – 23. The 2025 parity project was intended to try and bring some of the tools necessary for winning to a team fighting an uphill battle. With new additions like Ladd McConkey, Treyvon Henderson, Jordan Mason, and Zach Charbonnet, the team has received a major boost compared to last year. There’s still work to be done before they’re a contender, but the owner is likely to be a favorite for GM of the Year if the team ends the season with a winning record.
Dylan614
This team always felt like it was missing some of its potential under the previous GM, Plumbob. Since winning the Goblin Bowl in 2021, the team has gone 22-20 and ended last year with a losing record for the first time since 2020. After years of consistently building through the draft, Dylan614 has inherited a quality foundation and a sneaky wild card contender. The new leadership has the chance to provide a much needed change of strategy and take things to the next level.
To make things really pop the team needs to find a quality RB1 either through trade or next year’s draft. Historically this team has always found short term Moneyball style value at RB off the waiver wire, but that’s an unreliable strategy long term. Additionally there’s concerns over the team’s WR struggles. On paper, a corps of Amon-Ra, BTJ, Olave, Golden, Reed, and Mooney is one of the stronger receiving groups in the league. In reality, they’ve only produced two double digit performances so far between the six of them. Reed’s recent collarbone injury may be offset by owning rookie receiver Matthew Golden, but the team could face some major struggles if he doesn’t start getting more than two targets per game.
It’s also worth talking about the team’s depth at TE. Pitts, Hockenson, and Kincaid are all TE1s in a TE premium league. That means Dylan could possibly rely on their strength to make up for the lackluster play at WR or get something for one in a trade. As it stands now, if the receiving corps can get it together in the next couple weeks and the three headed dragon at TE can put up consistently strong performances, the team can feasibly claw their way into the playoffs without need of a RB1. Otherwise, this team may have their worst season since the pre-Championship days.
The Lisa
CoachesCoach
Last year, CoachesCoach was consistently one of the strongest teams in Nilbog. But despite averaging close to 100 points per game, the team ended the regular season with an abysmal 4-10 record. This year they have to be considered a playoff contender.
In late 2024 the team made the surprising decision to trade away Jahmyr Gibbs but it seems to be paying off. They were prepared for Joe Burrow’s injury with a quality QB2 in Dak Prescott and Deebo Samuel has surpassed expectations so far in Washington. Of course, the team just lost Austin Ekeler for the season. But the resurrection of Javonte Williams may be enough to make up for it. Not to mention Chris Godwin’s return to action any week now.
With a 2-0 start, this team has to be considered a favorite to win their division barring any more major setbacks. A division win would also make a strong case for GM of the Year considering the moves the owner has made to set up this year’s outfit.
GreysonH
Long term Nilbog members are more than familiar with the history of this team under the previous GM. A lifetime 16-67 record in the regular season. Constant whiffs in the draft. Trading when they should hold. Holding when they should trade. But this year a new GM takes the mantle and has a chance to finally turn the team around.
The foundational pieces are there. Malik Nabers is a stellar WR1 to build around. Ricky Pearsall is a talented young WR2. Omarion Hampton was a solid pickup in the draft. Juwan Johnson could potentially have a huge season. What this team has to decide is the timeline of their rebuild. Off to a 2-0 start, the team could decide to try and make it as a contender this year – or at least try to win the consolation bracket for the 1.01.
But another failed season would mean another year of Barkley’s career wasted. It’s no secret that many of the league’s owners were frustrated last year at the previous GM, RAllen, holding on to Barkley instead of trading him for assets that would be more useful in a rebuild. This year though, it’s feasible that the team could have what it takes to compete on the back of Barkley and Nabers now that the supporting cast is more filled out.
TWatkins
8 points. That’s how much TWatkins missed the playoffs by last year. 8 more points in Week 8 and the team beats LBTown and clinches the division. This is a strong team helmed by a former GMOTY who has gone 26-18 in the regular season since joining in 2022. They’re off to a 0-2 start this year but still very much in the mix with 12 weeks left. Even if the team fails to make the playoffs they’ll be a favorite to win the consolation bracket. Considering the relative youth of the team (average starter age of 25.75), this team is in the sweet spot of a contender who still owns their own 1st and doesn’t need to worry about a tear-down rebuild any time soon.
DHenman
Under the previous GM, this team had considerable success in the early years of Nilbog going 32-21 over the first four seasons before beginning a complete teardown rebuild in 2023. By the end of last year, the rebuild looked to be going well with the team in a position to contend in 2025. However, the team was stripped for parts in the parity project before being handed over to DHenman which will likely extend the rebuild effort.
The team isn’t bad but there’s still several concerns. D’Andre Swift may not be a RB1 for much longer. Aaron Jones is 30 and injured. Terry McLaurin is 30. Jaylen Waddle has never lived up to his Sophomore season. Marvin Mims doesn’t get enough volume to be a reliable WR3 (or even WR4).
But on the flip side Tet McMillan has looked great so far. Trey McBride is a top three TE. Actually that’s kind of where it ends.
The Mark
Kenjifonn
>Give him 11 carries
After narrowly missing the playoffs in 2024, Kenjifonn snagged quite the consolation prize by winning the Ashton Jeanty bracket. Taking a strong team that’s had a winning record for the past two seasons and adding Jeanty and Egbuka is more than enough to turn Kenjifonn into one of the favorites to win this year’s Goblin Bowl
Jeanty has had a slow start but still looks like a quality rookie RB. James Cook and Bijan Robinson have both lived up to, if not surpassed, expectations. Factor in Quentin Johnston learning how to play football and this team could be primed for a huge season. The injury to George Kittle isn’t ideal, but if he’s back by mid year the team shouldn’t have a hard time overcoming that setback.
TheCarlos
The reigning champ comes into 2025 in a position to contend once again. Like last year, the team’s success will depend on how consistently Josh Allen and Derrick Henry can put up big performances. When those two excel, TheCarlos can dominate. But when they struggle the supporting cast usually can’t make up the difference against good teams. This is a team that’s built to win this year and I expect the GM to make a strong push for the playoffs.
PlayboyHeff
PlayboyHeff hasn’t had a losing season since 2019 but the magic looks like it may be coming to an end sometime soon. The average age between starters Baker Mayfield, Alvin Kamara, Mike Evans, Davante Adams, and Jonnu Smith is 31. They should still be good for at least this year but it won’t be long before the team has to consider rebuilding.
Brian Robinson’s trade to San Francisco threw an unexpected wrench in this team’s lineup and has downgraded a solid RB2 to irrelevance as long as Christian McCaffrey plays. Other than that this team has a lot working for them in 2025. The Mayfield/Evans stack proved deadly last year and could pop off again this season since Evans will be chasing his 12th consecutive 1,000 yard season to break Jerry Rice’s record. Rookie TE Harold Fannin has been a revelation and is already considered a top ten TE. Tyler Allgeier has gotten 26 carries across the first two weeks and could be a sneaky RB2 again this year.
I expect Heff to try and make the most of this team before the stars age out. But this might be the last year before the party’s over.
RestingHollow
The past few years haven’t been easy for RestingHollow. The team has gone 15-43 since 2021. They’ve endured injuries, bad trades, busted draft picks, and every manner of bad luck conceivable. I don’t know if the team can realistically contend this year, but at least things are finally starting to look up.
Last year the team made the good decision to trade their 2025 1st for Drake Maye who looks like a capable QB1 for the foreseeable future. They got Xavier Worthy in the parity project which finally gives them some depth at wide receiver. Jauan Jennings has finally turned into a reliable starter after the team picked him up for free off waivers four years ago. And Kyren Williams should still be capable of big games as a bell cow for the Rams.
To level up, Isiah Pacheco and Rhamondre Stevenson will need to consistently get double digit carries. The team needs a capable WR3. And Colston Loveland will need to live up to his draft stock. Thankfully, this team owns all their 1st round picks which gives them a lot of flexibility. It also means that if the team can win the consolation bracket, which is very possible, they’ll own next year’s 1.01.
The Denny
DReid
70-13 in the regular season. 7-6 in the playoffs. Only one championship. For years the narrative around DReid has been that the team can’t win when it matters. Regardless, there’s no denying that DReid has managed to keep this team competitive at the highest level.
It wasn’t long ago DReid’s team was considered the sick man of Nilbog. After winning the Goblin Bowl in 2022, many considered it a matter of time before the studs aged out and he needed to rebuild. Instead he’s deftly managed to get considerably younger while sidestepping a rebuild. With the reigning Nilbog MVP at QB, one of the best RB corps ever assembled, a god-tier 22 year old TE, and a decent supporting cast of WRs – they have to be considered one of the favorites to win a ship this year.
Or maybe they’ll just collapse again and take third place for a fourth time.
LBTown
LBTown spent the 2024 season defying expectations. Despite stringing together wins, skepticism over the team’s ability to contend remained until the playoffs. If fact, the team wasn’t even placed in the top half of the power rankings until week 11. But when they put together back to back wins against TarmoTim and DReid in the playoffs they proved they’re as legit as any team in Nilbog.
This year the reigning GMOTY looks ready to pick up right where he left off. The roster is mostly unchanged and still filled with under-valued high quality players. When the Nix/Sutton stack goes off this team’s scoring potential is as good as anyone. Devonta Smith is off to a slow start this year but it’s been offset by Keenan Allen turning back the clock since returning to the Chargers. There’s no easy path to the playoffs, but LBTown has to be considered one of the favorites this year.
Eliel
Despite five seasons with a winning record – the third most of any team – Eliel has never placed better than 3rd despite making some high profile moves every season. This year the team is already off to another mixed start. George Pickens being traded to the Cowboys means two of their starting WRs now play for the same NFL team. Joe Burrow’s injury could derail Tee Higgins’ season. And trading away Zay Flowers for Kaleb Johnson has been disastrous.
On the other hand third round pick Bill Croskey-Merritt has actually lived up to hype. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
RKMay
RKMay’s 2025 narrative is the same as every year – this team is cursed at the running back position. Every RB they’ve ever drafted has been a bust. They made a desperate trade for Najee Harris in 2023 and he’s a bust. Scratch that, not just a bust. A bust who somehow managed to shoot one of his eyes out with a fucking firework. He should be working at a Golden Corral, not taking carries away from Omarion Hampton in the NFL.
To make matters worse, the team’s usually strong receiving corps has nosedived in recent years. Historically the team has managed to secure wins on the strength of their other positions despite lacking at RB. But now formerly reliable depth pieces like JuJu Smith-Schuster, Darius Slayton, and Austin Hooper are virtually irrelevant. Jordan Addison is suspended for the first three games of the season and when he returns he’ll have a bum QB who can’t hold a candle to GEQBUS. DK Metcalf has fucking RFK Jr. tossing him the ball this year. Michael Pittman has to do Danny Dimes’ laundry every week to get targets. Travis Hunter isn’t even the best Travis on his offense.
RKMay is the Patrick Mahomes containment zone this year. The upside is they own their own first, can feasibly capture the 1.01 in the consolation bracket, and turn things around with a big draft next year.
Nilbog Fantasy League 